This came up on Twitter the other day, but feels too urgently urgent for that transitory medium. So I thought I’d give it an entry of its own here on the blog.
I spend a lot of time scribbling about ghosts and devils and inflatable children and lake monsters. When I’m writing I believe in all of it. How can I not? It’s happening right in front of me, and I’m just taking notes, like a sportswriter with a front row seat at a fight. When I’m writing, to be honest, belief doesn’t even come into it. It’s an act of concentrated dreaming while awake and for the most part, we don’t argue with our dreams, we go with them.
But I got wondering how much of this stuff I could actually buy into, when I’m not playing professional make-believe. More than that: I wanted something concrete, something tangible, some marker of how open-minded/gullible I really am. And thus… the Mulder Score.
To figure out your own personal Mulder Score, work your way down the following list of paranormal possibilities. When you believe in something, you get a Y. When you don’t, you get an N. When you think, “well, maaaaaybe,” you get a % (for 50-50). Go ahead, use the comments thread as a scratch pad to keep track of your results.
• Horoscopes
• Ghosts
• Auras
• Telekensis
• Telepathy
• Fortune-Telling
• Bigfoot
• Nessie
• UFOs
• Souls
For every Y you get 2 points. For every N you get 0. A % is worth 1 point. Add it up, and here’s what it means:
0 – Congratulations, you have less imagination than a turnip; you also have less nutritional value. I’m sure you will enjoy your life, even though you already know it is, in fact, a big meaningless jerkoff.
1 – 4 – You are Velma. If Bigfoot was roaring in your face, you would swipe off his rubber mask, and then shout, “Mr. Petersen!” Also you look both sensible and sort of hot in orange sweaters and pleated skirts.
5 – 8 – You are Scully. Find your Mulder and you find contentment, for at least 7 seasons.
9 – 11 – Skeptic by day, playing with the Ouija board in your pajamas by night. You know that crop circles are complete and utter horseshit… but those Stonehenge guys were up to some serious druid shit.
12 – 17 – You’re Mulder. Find your Scully and NEVER LET HER GO. Or him, if you happen to be a she.
18 – 19 – Ruh-ro… you’re Shaggy. You’re living in a van, subsisting on dog snacks, and sure that THE GHOST OF CAPTAIN CUTLER IS OUT THERE WATCHING YOU RIGHT NOW!!! I’d try and convince you that Nessie can’t possibly be real (there’d have to be 400+ of them in the loch to have a steady breeding population), but you’d think I was just a government agent spreading misinformation. And you’d be right.
20 – Dingdingding! You win the grand prize in today’s contest: it’s a psychic prophylactic, designed to protect your sensitive psyche from telepathic bombardment. No, no, ignore the fact that it looks like a large sheet of tinfoil. It is, in fact, a creation of ADVANCED SCIENCE. Total Area 51 stuff. Just wrap it around your head. Yeah, go on, make a hat out of it. Here. Have some extra sheets. They’ll look great taped into your windows.
Oh, what’d I score? Mm, turns out I’m a bit of a Scully-type. I made a 5. I’m a maybe on ghosts, telepathy, and UFOs, and a yes on souls.
Go ahead, use the comments thread to work out your own score. Gimme the full report. I want to know what kind of weirdos/hardassed skeptics frequent this site.
And be sure to tune in next week, when I’ll teach you how to calculate your Doctor Score.
12…can my Scully be a vet instead of a doctor? That would make my life so much easier. (I’m not holding out for Prince Charming, I’m holding out for James Herriot.)
Y on Ghosts, Bigfoot, Nessie and Souls, % on Horoscopes, Telekinesis, Telepathy, and Fortune-Telling, N on Auras and UFOs. Seen enough evidence on the first four to convince me there must be something to them, horoscopes I could go either way on the serious ones, TK/TP…well, I could be convinced either way, fortune-telling sort of falls under psychic predictions so I used that definition and maybe. Auras just sound too new agey, and any civilization capable of building UFOs would have something better to do with that level of power and technology than abduct cattle and people living in the back woods of Arkansas.
I’m an 11 – fits me to a T!!
How you come up with this stuff I’ll never know, Hill. Oh wait, that writer thing. Okay: Horoscopes 0, Ghosts 2, Auras 2, Telekensis 1, Telepathy 2, Fortune-Telling 1 (benefit of the doubt to the 0.05 possibly genuine practitioners), Bigfoot 1, Nessie 0, UFOs 1, Souls 2. Adds up to 12. Huh, so I’m a Mulder. Which is kind of a shit, as I resemble a Shaggy.
Horoscopes N, Ghosts %, Auras%, Telekensis N, Telepathy Y, Fortune-Telling N, Bigfoot Y, Nessie Y, UFOs Y, Souls Y
12 o’ 20.
Nice to hear I’m Mulder, since I came up with my website name in honor of him, and my love of The X Files.
Fell a point short of being the cartoon brain, settling for the other redhead instead. Hm, wait a second. If I put these pair of glasses and this orange sweater on…’Jinkies!’ I’m Velma Dinkley, too!
Am riding the fence on ghosts, telepathy (identical twins theory), and Nessie (can’t wait to read Joe’s take on Champ), and a yes on souls.
Can I get my tinfoil hat autographed? Big fat 2-0 right heah..Besides, Mulder was always right!
Sorry, lost some of my comment…wierd. Must have been those damn aliens, or the gov’ment. Anyways, 20 should have been Mulder..as he really did believe it all, and was always right…just sayin…now about that autographed tinfoil hat..;)
I’m a Scully. I gave myself one point each for ghosts, telepathy, Bigfoot, fortune-telling, Nessie, UFO, souls. I don’t necessarily believe in these things the way others might but believe there may be some factual element around which people have created more fantastical beliefs.
Card Carrying Mulder right here and damn proud! Only problem is I think my lady might be a Mulder too. Hmmm. Maybe if the two of us “want to believe” badly enough we might end up needing some of that psychic prophylactic stuff.
Big fat zero for me. That’s probably why I write science fiction and not fantasy.
5. Yes to UFOs and souls, maybe on Bigfoot. Just outside Velma range, damn.
14…..Yes to all except Bigfoot and Nessie (those are a “barely maybe, leaning hard toward no”, so scored as no)
Mulderette I am….now where is my male version of Scully?
I’m a 13
My Yes Answers; Horoscopes, Auras, Telepathy, Fortune Telling, and Souls. Wow! I am such a Pisces. That was fun – Thanks!!
I’m a 12.
More importantly, I had that poster of Gillian on my wall in college.
“Skeptic by day, playing with the Ouija board in your pajamas by night.”
That’s about right. I’m a big yes on the ghosts, telekinesis, and fortune telling.
I’m a 10 – obviously. I linger somewhere between wanting to molest Scully and wanting to molest Mulder. Wait, I mean… damnit.
I want to believe! Scored a 14. Only “No” for me was Horoscopes.
I go to 11.
I’d like to point out that a “no” for me simply implies an agnosticism on the subject instead of complete disbelief. Just because we lack definitive evidence on paranormal subjects doesn’t automatically disprove their existence. The only thing we can say for sure is that a statistically large number of negative instances may make it highly improbable. Better to just keep an open mind.
I’m an 11. That sounds about right. As a Catholic I have to believe in souls (“Once you go Vatican you can never go back again” — Homer Simpson)
I think that there are very few Aristotlean Yays and Nays, as in something is 100 percent true or 100 percent false. So taking everything as a maybe, well that gives me a 10.
And I kind of like that description:
Skeptic by day, playing with the Ouija board in your pajamas by night.
Although the Ouija board is not ‘right’ it gets the idea across.
I’m a big meaningless jerkoff. Oh, wait! I’m a turnip. Whew! That was close.
I’m Scully. A maybe to auras, telekenisis, telepathy, fortune telling and UFOs. Yes to Soul. I’m married to my Mulder, so I’m good.
Thanks for the X-Files fix! I’ve had a hankering lately.
Big fat 0 for me. I must be dull as dish-water
. Don’t believe in god either – do I get special minus 1 for that one??? Loch Ness is well worth visiting with or without the chances of spotting Nessie – beautiful place!
Mulder! So proud. (13).
To make it all official-like, I’m a 4. I rack up a run of “No”s and hit a “Maybe” for ghosts (mainly for really wishing they existed) and telepathy, and a “Yes” for souls. And Velma was my idol when I was a kid, so, win!
Hrm, considering I my original answer on Twitter will be archived at the Library of Congress, maybe that’s even more official.
Proud I’m a Mulder =) My “yes” were Ghosts, Telekensis, Telepathy, UFO, Souls. My “%” were auras, Bigfoot and Nessie.
15. Holy balls, I’m a little surprised. Eh, not really. I’m a complete joneser on paranormal subjects. Well mostly.
And more importantly, the fact that I actually believe in the majority of these gives me a shit ton of crazy imagination to write the twisted tales.
I’m outta here to conjure up one about Nessie using telepathy to contact UFOs and Bigfoot harnessing telekinesis. Naturally.
I got a 6 believing in auras, telepathy and souls but am surprised you scored that low yourself.
Though this is obviously all in fun, I find the assumption that belief in the paranormal has any relevance to one’s level of imagination or ability to accept the sub-created worlds of speculative fiction incredibly problematic.
Regarding the former, I would simply cite Carl Sagan’s Pale Blue Dot as a superlative exercise in imagination within the bounds of our current understanding of reality.
To the latter, a hallmark of good speculative fiction is logical consistency within the sub-created world. It should not be an affront to reason (on its own terms of course!). I am borrowing this idea from JRR Tolkien’s essay “On Fairy-Stories.” By contrast, actual belief in the paranormal demands the opposite and is often fueled by willful ignorance.
(I’m a zero by the way, if you hadn’t yet figured that out…)
What Dave said.
I’m a 0, and a fantasy writer who loves imagining worlds in which the fantastic is real.
12 – 17 – You’re Mulder. Find your Scully and NEVER LET HER GO. Or him, if you happen to be a she.
Fuck I knewwww it!
Dave,
Yeah, I’m pretty much goofing here. To be more serious: I agree with you completely. It’s perfectly possible to be both a hard-nosed skeptic and to have an industrial-strength imagination.
14 – I’m a Mulder. But also a lot of “I don’t know if I believe in Bloody Mary, but I’m not going to say her name in the mirror” Although she has a good drink.
I thought about being a turnip, but then went with, ‘well, not like on TV, but . . .’ because it’s not like I believe in drs like House, or spies like Archer, or lawyers like Damages (ok, a % on that one) so yeses to Ghosts and Fortune Telling, and a maybe to horoscopes. Weird. I’m a Scully.
My number was 13, I need to find Mulder. That was a fun way to waste a few minutes of my day, thanks!
14. I may be a Mulder now, but I was Scully for Halloween when I was 12 and was denied candy at one house for being “some kid in a trench coat.” (it was the first season so they didn’t know who Scully was.)
On another X-Files note, I always thought Tom Braidwood (Frohike) and Joe’s old man should play brothers in a movie.
I’m a 4. Maybe to telepathy (at least limited in a once in a while sort of way), and souls, and yes to UFOs – although even that depends on how you define a UFO.
I always liked Velma in my younger days, but I’d rather date her than be her.
I’m a 2 the only thing I belive in (on this list anyway) are souls. Anyway I always thought Velma was the sexy one. Brains are sexy, right? No? Damn!!
0211101121 = 10. I’m an open minded skeptic. Sounds about right. (Stay away from Ouija though) More importantly, where’d you get the hot Scully pics? Kidding. (No, seriously…where?)
Oh, if I can add a completely uninteresting postscript, reading William Pepper’s post … ouija boards. Shudder. I don’t know why but those things make my blood run cold. Not. Ever. I see ouija boards the way some people would see a tarantula crawling over their favourite coffee mug. So officially, my score is 12. Add ouija boards and I’m nudging 30.
Im a mulder!!! Yes definitely I’m believe in ghosts, souls, UFO, telepathy,
so I’m ok being a special miss Mulder..
I’m a Scully – 5 – but I have a little problem with the UFO category. Do you mean UFOs visiting earth, or just the possibility of aliens existing somewhere in the universe? Enquiring minds want to know, as it’s an important distinction. I wouldn’t go for the first possibility, but I’m pretty confident on the second.
I got an 11, very close to being a Mulderette. Not quite there yet but “I Want to Believe.” Ghosts/auras/UFOs/Souls definitely Yes. Fortune-telling/bigfoot/Nessie leaning toward maybe. No on all the others.
I got a four. As much as I enjoy supernatural things I feel it’s mainly fiction. Yes on UFOs (anyone who has looked into how large the known universe is and honestly believes our tiny spec of a planet is the only one with life is in denial). Then maybes on bigfoot and nessie.
I’m not a turnip! I am Velma though and I might be married to Scooby Doo……sorry no definite yes to anything on the list. I maybed on ghosts, souls, ufos and telepathy. ????
Solid 7, making me a Scully. Which is fitting, since I had a TV crush on Mulder for years.
I work with doctors 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year. I have more interest in being a paramedic than a doctor.
I’m the only person I know who’s lost her ability to be impressed by most doctors. Doctors Cook, Tondow and Lewis being the exception to the rule, b/c they’re good doctors.
I got a 10, but I really believe in the things I said yes to, and I’ve even had unexplained experiences that don’t get explained away by medical tests, b/c all the EEG’s they’ve given me have been normal. I don’t have any of the brain wave aberrations that cause hallucinations.
Still, even with evidence like that, denying that there’s anything PHYSICALLY wrong with me, most doctors will believe it anyway.
And that’s not scientific at ALL. A guy who has a Ph.D from Northwestern University told me that.
I had a near-death experience, which they can’t explain either. Not if they’re honest.
I’ve just sort of learned to keep my mouth shut while I watch all these TV shows getting nothing but ratings for investigating things that everyone was willing to call me crazy over if I mentioned seeing it.
I think that hypocrisy might even be intentional. At any rate I don’t like it, but what can I do about it.
I decided to keep my mouth shut. That’s what I do about it.
It works for me.
Took the quiz, but when I went to see where I ranked, I didn’t make it past the pic of Gillian Anderson. Totally blanked after that…
I’m a turnip and proud of it.
Interesting. For some time, I have really thought about such things as life after death. I can only hope to see those who I lost early in life..and sometimes having that hope is enough.