I’ve been looking at the current crop of presidential candidates for weeks, with an uncanny sensation of dejá vu… an intense feeling that the whole pack of them, taken together, existed as a group of squabbling problem-solvers in some other incarnation, in some other time.
And then it hit me, just yesterday, where I knew them from: the A-Team. And just like that, we have another Tuesday Daydream.
In a short time, this man will no longer be president:
It is important you vote for his replacement. Make your voice heard in the poll over on the message board. If so inclined, you may defend your selection, here on the comments thread. You have four highly qualified candidates to choose from. And they are:
Col. John “Hannibal” Smith. Pros: Hero of the Vietnam War, McCain - er, Hannibal - is noted for his humor and straight talk. His plans may sound crazy, but frequently come together. Cons: Not afraid to lead the people who trust him straight into Damnation Alley.
B. A. Baracus. What, did you think I was going to identify B.A. with Obama, just because they’re both African American? Get real. BA is Hillary all the way. Pros: Notorious brawler, not afraid to throw the kitchen sink at an opponent, be them Columbian drug lords or another Democrat, dangerous to underestimate (just ask Rocky), pity the fool who gets between her - uh, him - and what he wants. Cons: The B. A. stands for bad attitude. Life is one long continuing negative campaign
Lt. Templeton “Faceman” Peck. Pros: Charismatic, inspiring, persuasive. Obviously the change candidate - Faceman changes identity every episode. Surprisingly resourceful in a fight. Cons: Maybe too slick, foolishly thinks he can talk enemies out of doing bad things.
Capt. H.M. “Howling Mad” Nader Murdock. Pros: Comic relief. Cons: Isn’t that funny. Probably ought to be on mood-controlling medication.
Go on now - go ahead and vote. And I hope you remembered to pull the lever in real life, too.
I just started running the latest version of WordPress, and me and my trusty team of web samurai are still getting used to the new interface. A few misbegotten clicks of the mouse resulted in some very cool comments being deleted along with a whole mess of spam. Apologies… we’ll get it sorted it out soon enough, I promise.
I had news that “Thumbprint” is a finalist for a Shirley Jackson award, in the Novelette category. My thanks to the judges for putting my story on their short list, and congrats to the other nominees. I’m especially glad to see my buddy Chris Golden getting well-deserved props for BALTIMORE, which he wrote in collaboration with Mike Mignola.
“Thumbprint” was also recently selected by Stephen Jones for inclusion in The Mammoth Book of Best New Horror #19, due out later this year. So if you weren’t able to get a copy by way of PS Publishing or Subterranean Press, you’ll be able to find it there. Presumably the story will also soon be available over the counter in convenient pill form, or as a nasal spray.
I’d write more but I have a busy afternoon of sitting on my ass in front of Iron Man writing ahead of me, so I better get to it.
Your job requires you and your family to relocate to a major urban center. You have, fortunately, been offered a choice between three options. Make your selection known by voting in the poll on the message board, and defend your decision in the comments thread right here.
Your job, by the way, is selling insurance.
Superman’s Metropolis. Pros: Good climate, best newspaper in the country, parks for biking and running, many museums and theaters, protected by a major superhero. Cons: Routinely devastated by alien invasions/Bizzaro Superman/etc., museums are usually being robbed, theaters are populated with actors who have double-lives as super villains, you have to wonder if a perv with X-Ray vision is spying on you while you’re at home being intimate with your spouse.
The London of Sherlock Holmes and Dracula. Pros: Capitol of the English Empire, hotbed of learning and invention, culture and theater, protected by the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Cons: Polluted air. Infested with rats, lice, and vampires. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen includes Mr. Hyde.
The Coruscant of Anakin Skywalker. Pros: Bustling center of trade by day, rocking party town at night. Presence of local Jedi academy makes Coruscant an ideal destination for anyone interested in their personal spiritual development. Presence of Galactic Senate makes Coruscant the choice for anyone with serious political ambitions. Cons: Capitol of the, uh, Empire. Personal civil liberties often abridged by stormtroopers. No green space.
… is happening this weekend on the UCLA campus and I’ll be in attendance come Sunday. I’m doing one of the first panels of the day: THE OUTER LIMITS, at 10 AM, with Kevin J. Anderson, David Brin, and Raymond Feist. And I’ll be doing a pair of signings Sunday afternoon: the first at 1 PM at the Borders Book booth, the second at 3 PM at the booth for the Mystery Bookstore. Come say hi.
Described below are three obscure forms of the martial arts. This is the question you are faced with today: if you could attain black belt status in any of them, which would it be? Vote in the poll on the message board, defend your daydream here in the comments thread.
Magoo Fu. Taoist in nature, disciples of Magoo Fu evade danger by walking directly into it. It’s one of these zen, bend like the grass, flow like the water things. Masters of the form are considered invulnerable, and are so adept at avoiding harm, they show little awareness even of great and immediate threats. Experts can often be seen petting ravenous tigers as if they were housecats, and whistling happily while they walk across moving girders high above the ground.
Macgyver Chi. Students of this form are skilled at using any and every aspect of their environment as a weapon, turning a matchbook and a can of insect repellent into a flamethrower, or converting a knotted bedsheet, a mop, and a wad of gum into a net-firing catapult. Black belts have been known to cripple dozens of attackers using no more than the contents of the average glove compartment. “Give one master of Macgyver Chi a stapler and a rubber band ball,” says one famous proverb, “and you have bared your throat for the killing blow.”
Calvin Socki. True masters of the form use neither fist nor foot to deal with hostiles; instead they literally fantasize their way out of trouble. When surrounded by enemies, the Calvin Socki master will imagine a simple cardboard box into a bottomless cave, and jump into it, disappearing from view. Or, when forced to go on the offensive, a spaghetti strainer may be imagined into an impervious helmet, and a ladle into a spike-covered mace, giving the Calvin Socki expert everything he needs to hold his opponents at bay. Debate rages within the kung fu community as to the true merits of the form; critics have suggested that in fact Calvin Socki is of no practical use at all, while passionate students insist it is the greatest and most effective of all martial arts. Since most followers of the form award themselves the black belt immediately, without any sort of testing or training, their opinion may, perhaps, be of no value.
In the interest of keeping it fed, below is yet another video review of Locke & Key #3, this time from the guys over at Pulp Secret.
On the YouTube comments thread for this video, I spotted an interesting question - namely, is Locke & Key appropriate for 16-year-old readers? That’s a subject that probably merits a longer entry, but in brief, I’d say it depends on the 16-year-old. The comic is intended for adult audiences, however; the final three issues of “Welcome to Lovecraft” serve up some very graphic, R-rated content. When I was 16, I had consumed a wide sampling of Nasty, including such classics as I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE and the novel SLOB by Rex Miller. My parents were okay with that, and I think my own reaction to such works was relatively mature and reasonable. But for some of my friends, LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT was way off limits; and even if they had their parents permission to watch DELIVERANCE, they wouldn’t have wanted to. So it’s really a question that can only be answered on a kid by kid basis. The great thing about a comic is that it’s easy enough to preview it before passing it on to your teen - it only takes about 30 seconds to flip through one.
Two really wonderful reviews of Locke & Key #3… The first is over on comics bulletin. The second can be viewed below; Locke & Key was featured in this week’s Fresh Ink:
