Roswell Invaders – The Recipe
I’m not going to hide my fuckin’ light under a bushel anymore, folks – I got mad skilz in the kitchen and over the grill. Especially when it comes to making man meals for men. I’m talking lamb chops so rare they bleat when you poke ‘em with a fork, and fish grilled in the skin, with one baked eye staring up at you in despair as you go nom nom nom on its innards.
I was thinkin’ about scrapping this fiction bullshit and writing a cookbook, but then when the publishing world pissed themselves laughing and told me to get a real job, I remembered the blog and figured it would just be easier to post my recipes here.
So here’s the recipe for The Roswell Invader, so named ’cause it looks like a UFO, and if you cook it right it squirts alien death juice down your face when you bite into it. Also every Invader carries a crew of two alien meat-slivers, hell bent on ruling the world, or at least your lower intestinal tract. Put a grease-slicked smile on a child’s face, and cook this one for your kids next time you’re in charge of breakfast. Check it out – after the jump:
Ingredients:
Fresh eggs
Colby cheese
Mini-bagels
Pepperoni
Cream Cheese
Tabasco Sauce (if desired, i.e., your children aren’t bawling wimps)
Butter
Implements:
A stovetop, or a pit filled with licking fire.
A weird frying pan like the one in the pictures. Or a normal frying pan and a round cookie cutter.
A toaster.
Steps:
• Dish a little butter in the pan, then drop an egg in there. You want to drop the egg in purty, too, so the yolk doesn’t bust. Pretend it’s one of your own testicles. If you had to lower your testicle into a heated pan, you wouldn’t just drop it there, would you? In a normal pan, you can break the egg into the cookie cutter to keep it perfectly round. And that’s the plan. You want a round egg, not one shaped like Texas or like the grody birthmark on your Aunt Sally’s face. Cook the thing over medium-low heat.
• Toast a mini-bagel. Don’t make me tell you how to run your own toaster.
• Use a spoon and flip the egg, then slap a piece of Colby Cheese on it. Look at how beautiful my fuckin’ hand is. I should’ve been a hand model. The way my veins crawl through the back of it – it’s like a Michaelangelo hand, just like Adam reaching out to touch God, if God was a piece of Colby Jack cheese hovering over an egg saturated in cholesterol.
• Then the pepperoni. Don’t make me tell you what to do with the pepperoni. You should be able to figure it out. Cook ‘em till they’re shining in their own oil. By the time you take them out of the pan, they should have a greasy sheen on them. You want them about as iridescent as the ocean off the Louisiana coast.
• Here’s what they look like when they go together. God that’s beautiful. At this juncture you can splash a little Tabasco sauce on it. Set aside a bottle of Tagamet for later. If anyone is eating more than one, check the bathrooms and make sure you’re not running low on toilet paper.
• Oh fucking yes. To do it right, you want to butter the bagel, then slather on roughly six inches of cream cheese. Pretend you’re BP playing “Top Kill.”
When you serve the finished result to children, make weird scifi sounds as you settle the plate in front of them — eeeeee-yoooo-eeeee-whaaaaa — and insist it looks exactly like the crashed UFO that the government has parked in an abandoned missile silo in Denver. A steady diet of these is all but guaranteed to kill you before you’re forty of heart disease, and when it’s time for the funeral, they’ll have to slather you in butter and cream cheese, just to fit your gargantuan fat ass into the coffin.
And there. Breakfast, baby. Oh, and hey, if any of you food channel bitches want to sign me up for my own cooking show, I’ve got afternoons free; contact my agent for my asking price.
Got a classic recipe of your own? Drop it in the deep fat fryer of the comments thread. Tssssshhh!
May 30th, 2010 at 1:42 pm
Excellent recipe! And just in time for Memorial Day breakfast! Wish they would give you your own cooking show. Like your presentation much better than Martha Stewart, Rachael Ray, Paula Deen, and all the rest.
May 30th, 2010 at 2:06 pm
David Zinczenko, the “Eat This, Not That” guy, would like to feature your recipes in half of his next book. Guess which half. And FWIW, if I had to drop my testicle into a frying pan, I’d do it quickly. It’s like jumping straight into a lake in New Hampshire in May instead of wading in tippytoe and holding your nuts above the surface while you hold your breath and delay the inevitable. But point taken. No busted huevos.
I just read “Best New Horror,” “Pop Art” and “The Black Phone” the other day. Excellent, excellent reads. Any plans for another collection, or do you have another novel on deck?
May 30th, 2010 at 2:08 pm
I would ask you to submit this to the website which employs me, but that would be really self-serving and corporate-like. Besides, we’d need ingredient measures.
I would like to offer, however, in lieu of a funky pan or using a cookie cutter, one trick would/could be to use an old small can (tuna, pineapple, what have you) with top and bottom removed set in skillet to cook the eggs in a nice round shape like you have.
May 30th, 2010 at 3:23 pm
o.O
May 30th, 2010 at 3:50 pm
You should totally call in to The Splendid Table, and share your recipe with Lynn!
May 30th, 2010 at 4:48 pm
Ok, I’ll play this game ’cause it’s right up my alley.
To be fun, we’ll call these Minotaur Balls (I’m not sure about you, but I have 2 sons and the word balls is completely acceptable in my household) but really they’re called Scotch Eggs.
In a strange coincidence, this recipe also calls for eggs.
What you need:
eggs
ground sausage
breadcrumbs
vegetable oil
a deep pot
salt
Step 1: Boil, peel and cool the eggs.
Step 2: Wrap each egg completely and evenly in the ground sausage mixture and smooth the surface.
Step 3: Roll the meat covered eggs in breadcrumbs until evenly covered.
Step 4: Heat your oil in the deep pan.
Step 5: Deep fry the Minotaur Balls until they are cooked through and crispy on the outside.
Step 6: Place the fried balls on a plate with a paper towel to drain the oil, and season with salt.
Step 7: Done.
These can be served hot or at room temperature. A classic garnish is mustard, but you can dip them in just about anything.
I like to enjoy mine on Thanksgiving morning with a snifter of Cognac or Scotch, as a reward for getting the turkey in the oven on time.
May 30th, 2010 at 9:30 pm
That’ll get em off to a good start!
Vroom !vroom!!
Ya! Move over Martha !!
May 30th, 2010 at 9:43 pm
I wonder if there’s an alternative for the Tabasco sauce (for the wimps who are allergic to it.)
That’s me. It tasted really weird the last time I had it; my face swelled up to twice its size and turned splotchy. There’s no way I’m having it again.
It’s mostly b/c it tastes like plastic, or how I imagine plastic tastes, and leaves a bizarre aftertaste in my mouth.
I could give myself a shot of epinephrine if I started having the anaphylactic reaction (I have several of the auto-injectors in my first aid kit) but I wouldn’t trust myself to be alert enough to accomplish it-and epinephrine is used in a last case resort for someone w/ high blood pressure.
On a positive note, no other hot sauce gives me that reaction. Just Tabasco.
I eat Chinese hot sauce on my food all the time.
May 31st, 2010 at 12:20 am
Looks good, looks easy…something I may be able to do – I like, I like
I did laugh here and there….that IS a man’s recipe. I think you have to be male to follow those directions, LOL. I can hear myself now, “I have to pretend it’s a testicle…man, my hand doesn’t look fuckin’ beautiful…this may not work…what’s that? What Mother-in-Law? Ya, no…the food network bitches don’t have this guy yet!” hee hee ha ha. Loved it, thanks! And, the man of the house does most of the cooking here so I will forward this his way!
May 31st, 2010 at 12:49 am
I used to get this at the chinese restaurant here in town but they went out of business. I loved it and searched all over to find it again. Now I can make it any time. I included fresh sliced carrots,fresh green bell peppers and water chestnuts with a serving of hot rice.The spice was just right. yum!!THANKYOU
May 31st, 2010 at 2:11 am
Oh, this is great. Makin’ this first thing in the morning! I’ve actually cooked trout with the eyes still looking up at you. Speaking of, next time you have trout, slit the belly open, stuff it with green onions, then tie it back together with slices of bacon. Then bake in foil.
May 31st, 2010 at 10:26 am
You could write comedy as easily as horror. You are f’n hilarious! Made my day reading this recipe!
May 31st, 2010 at 11:46 am
Priceless: “I’m talking lamb chops so rare they bleat when you poke ‘em with a fork, and fish grilled in the skin, with one baked eye staring up at you in despair as you go nom nom nom on its innards.”
You could write menus for restaurants, Joe.
May 31st, 2010 at 4:54 pm
Fucking awesome.
—-eeeeee-yoooo-eeeee-whaaaaa—-
May 31st, 2010 at 9:05 pm
That looks disgustingly good…
May 31st, 2010 at 9:54 pm
Your hand does indeed look mahvelous, Joe!
Here’s a good one that even my ‘tater hater” loves,
Drain a can (eww I know) if sliced white potatoes,
a handful of chopped onions and a spoonful of chopped garlic right from the jar.
Fry on high in not too much butter, it bowns better with less.
Have to keeo scraping and flipping about 5 min’s. Add more butter if to sticky..
Toss in cubed cooked ham, fry more till ham’s hot.
Then crack an egg or two over it all , fry till egg is done scrambled.
Turn off heat, add shredded cheese if you like, cover to melt it.
The aroma will awaken any sleepyhead.
It’s hard to save a bite though so they better hurry. Use any condiment you like (tabasco is awsome with this dish)!
I call it “Hunter’s Breakfast”.
I’m betting its as good as a recipe by your Dad that was in one
“Riverview cookbook” called “Lunchtime Gloop”. Which Franco American spaghetti, and greasy (a must) fried hamburg!!
The comment he left with the recipe said “The kids love it but I only cook it when Tabitha is not home”.
June 1st, 2010 at 8:18 am
I just gained 5 lbs looking at that. That is a truly a thing of saturated trans fat awesomeness. Now I’m going to eat a Vitatop muffin and some fruit.
Sigh. At least it’s chocolate.
June 1st, 2010 at 11:00 am
Yes, Joe, your hand IS beautiful! Can you post closeups of other parts of your body?
June 1st, 2010 at 6:51 pm
who let the man ape out.lol
June 2nd, 2010 at 3:29 am
I assume you were wrecked when you wrote this, my friend?
June 2nd, 2010 at 3:30 am
Although that’s not to say it doesn’t look FUCKING delicious…
June 2nd, 2010 at 9:27 am
heart attack portability!! LOL
Mine is simple, sounds gross but tastes the bomb…just can’t stop eating them…more of an appetizer than breakfast food.
ingredients:
2 20oz bottles of ketchup
1 med size jar of grape jelly
1 large bag of Italian flavored meatballs (or make your own bite sized)
Chili powder (up to three teaspoons)
you want to heat a crockpot to high and melt the jelly till there’s no more lumps, reduce heat to low and add ketchup half way up the pot mix together with jelly adding dashes of chili to add a little flavor. Add meatballs into the mixture
and stir so they are covered. If you still have room in the pot, add more ketchup in and more meatballs.
Simmer on low for three hours stirring constantly.
Serve hot can either eat by themselves or in a little sub roll. But don’t eat to many…the sweetness tends to have an effect on the stomach
ENJOY!
June 2nd, 2010 at 1:33 pm
Somewhere a cardiologist just bought a vacation home. Here’s taxidermy for the ufo’s crew:
http://www.boingboing.net/2010/06/01/alien-taxidermy-thro.html
June 2nd, 2010 at 11:20 pm
No offense Joe, but I don’t think I could ever eat one of those Roswell Invader things – the guilt alone would kill me and I don’t really like pepperoni. BUT, I really do like this recipe topic!
Here is a freaky cake recipe that my kids like to make.
4 Tablespoons flour
4 Tablespoons sugar
3 Tablespoons cocoa
1 Egg
3 Tablespoons milk
3 Tablespoons oil
Mix it all in a coffee mug and microwave it for 3 minutes. Put a saucer under the mug because sometimes the cake goes crazy. When it’s done, dump it out onto a plate or eat it out of the mug with ice cream or whatever.
I have one more thing to say. Does anyone here eat Peeps? You know – those fluorescent chicken shaped marshmallows? I don’t eat them. I hate them. I think they are in the top 5 on my list of foods that one should never eat.
Anyway here is a link on Cooking With Peeps: http://www.topoimagery.com/peeps/index.html
June 3rd, 2010 at 6:40 pm
Lox and Bagels
One everything bagel toasted
A few slices of Salmon
Some cream cheese
and freshly cracked black pepper
This is a Jewish delicacy I grew up eating and is very good.
Unfortunately most Jewish food does not taste very good to me
but this one is AWESOME.
Np salt is needed because the Salmon will provide that flavor.And the best part is it’s easy to make.
For this website we could call it Lox and Keys and Bagels.
By the way Joe you wouldn’t happen to have any Lakers at the Celtics tickets laying around would you? Just kidding buddy and I enjoy your site. Fun.
June 4th, 2010 at 9:27 am
I like to take my pancake recipe, and instead of adding blueberries, I fry up some chunks of fatback, roll them in brown sugar, and put those in the batter. Then instead of frying them on a skillet, I dump a half cup of batter at a time into a deep fryer (cocunut oil (unless you are a wimp)). Then when they’re a nice golden brown, I put each one on a wooden skewer stick and dip it in a pot of boiling maple syrup. The syrup crystallizes on the pastry, forming a baseball-size hunk of rock candy with a porkfat donut inside. Mmmmm…
June 4th, 2010 at 11:04 am
I’m almost vegan. If I can avoid eating meat I do it. But I can’t always get away from it, in which case I usually eat seafood. I don’t eat lobster, b/c I’m allergic to it. Once in a great while, I eat sausage.
Actually, the only time I eat meat is when I absolutely have to. I haven’t tried the tofu supplement, so I don’t know how that work in me.
I eat peanuts and eggs to get my protein, but I’ve yet to brave trying tofu.
June 4th, 2010 at 8:25 pm
tofu isnt bad..just depends on how its made.
June 6th, 2010 at 9:09 am
Joe, Tried these this morning….. Outstanding!!
June 10th, 2010 at 8:22 am
And he can cook. You’re like The Most Interesting Man in the World. Nice sangwidge. I’m makin lambchops tonight.
June 13th, 2010 at 6:54 pm
Wow! I haven’t been around here in a while.
Joe, this recipe sounds yummy. Artery clogging-ly (Yeah, I’ll go with that) good stuff. Only you could think of dropping testicles gently in a searing pan. Well, maybe I could’ve if I wanted to think of some interesting torture tactics. I’ll have to try this recipe out though. You can never go wrong with stuff smothered in cheese. *drooling already*
June 22nd, 2010 at 6:23 am
Cake in a mug recipe works slicker n owl shit but tastier
July 2nd, 2010 at 2:48 pm
Someone ought to cook that up for Dick Cheney (just finished Horns, can’t help it, it’s the devil inside that made me say it). This one is sure to be a hit in our house.
Here’s my Recipe That Haunts Me (made it once for a party I had, and now it’s all anyone wants). Shredded chicken tacos so good the red meat patrol goes for thirds.
2 lbs boneless skinless chicken breasts
16 oz Salsa (anything with cilantro seems to work best, the spicier the better)
1 packet taco seasoning
6 garlic cloves, pressed
2 serrano peppers chopped (two is a suggestion, if you want more, go for it)
Toss it all in the slowcooker and simmer on low for 10 hours, pull it out, shred with a (pitch)fork, dump back in the sauce, let it simmer for a while and done. Works great for parties, and you’ll have no leftovers at all.
Tortillas, tomatoes, guacamole, cheese – whatever – on the side.
August 3rd, 2010 at 10:15 am
Here’s a few of my favorite recipes… a couple of them are complete originals. I’ll give you the link to the category on my website, where things of this nature are a semi-regular feature:
http://lincolncrisler.info/?cat=5
August 3rd, 2010 at 6:26 pm
I’m not a man, but I want to make and then eat the hell out of this. Thanks, and another thanks to the genius in comments who suggested a tuna can in lieu of a cookie cutter. (!!!)